I think I may have some idea of how a crack head feels. I don’t want to offend anyone by saying that, and if I already did- sorry… LOL… maybe stop reading. This week I thought I would just be real, and start to post some real shit on my blog on Friday. Maybe pictures, maybe not. Mostly me just rambling or ranting…or something in-between the two.
If you have been following me, I have cut out most of the sugar in my life- and I apologize for the lack of recipe posts- shit is bland without sugar or wheat so it gets repetitive- I WILL TRY and make creative things for you… Only if you want them. ANYWAYS… I guess this post is more of a confession then anything. UGH. Sugar is the devil man. It is all I can say. I went out for dinner with the boy and our friends Wednesday night. Drinks and dessert were ordered. DO YOU THINK I HAD ENOUGH WILL POWER??? I had it, in the beginning… I don’t know where it went. Maybe it drowned in the booze. I’M WEAK! I had a day of weakness and boy am I paying for it now.
What happened? Nothing crazy. But when I get together with my beautiful Gemini friend, we start to do Gemini things and priorities go out the window- any Geminis’ in the house??? I was like “Nah, I don’t need a drink!”. She’s asks me…”Are you sure??” Then of course I say fuck it why not. But you see… I am learning about myself. I have an addictive personality. I can’t just have one. fjhsdjfdskfjdslkdhfkjdh! So after about 5 vodka sodas (I don’t even like vodka.. wheres my tequila??) and 3 sugary shots later, dessert was on the table in front of me like a huge pile of drugs. And the drug addict took the bait. Fuck was it delish. uuuuuuuuuuoommmmgaah… I honestly don’t know what is better. Sugar or sex. I am sure it stimulates the brain in the same places. It tasted so amazing! There was Key Lime Pie, Lava Cake, and a Peanut Butter Crunch Bar. I haven’t had dessert in a good 65 days…and I felt like a crack head. I felt a horrible stomach ache after; then in the morning I was SO tired and kept craving more shit! THE CYCLE CONTINUES BUT IT GETS WORSE. It’s so bad. I found myself looking for sugar yesterday and just not feeling satisfied. Obviously I took no photographic evidence of the desserts on Wednesday because I felt ashamed. HOW FUCKED IS THAT HONESTLY????!!!
I guess why I am writing this is because I am doing a strict program- where I’m not suppose to eat shit like this. I have after photos I am suppose to take… and if the photos don’t look like how I want them to.. I don’t know how I am going to feel. I would like to think I will just shake it off and keep moving forward. Another part of me is scared I am going to be disappointed and beat myself up… WHICH IS SO FUCKED. Sorry for swearing, but I never used to think like this. This candida stuff has me obsessing a little more then I have ever before. I could give two shits about food before- I would eat what I wanted and burn it off… now I feel like I am giving myself a complex. I know one day isn’t going to kill me, and I will be fine. I just don’t wanna go down the rabbit hole.The one hole being the sugar hole, the other one is the disorder hole. I DO NOT want to have distorted thinking about food and how I look! I just don’t. I WON’T! I love my body- but I can slowly see myself picking it apart. Is this what girls do when they are in fitness competitions? Is this what happens? I am legit asking. This is not a good feeling.
I’m confessing that I had probably 1000 grams of sugar and 5+ drinks on Wednesday and it tasted absolutely amazing at the time. It feels shitty now and I am beating myself up about it. I don’t want that. I don’t even know why I am confessing this crap- but I wanna be real. I don’t eat clean 100% of the time- obviously that isn’t real or attainable. I am not going to say that I am 1000% confident it my body when sometimes I do feel this way. Will I ever be happy? Or will I always be worried about what is going to bloat me?? I hope this is a phase, but I have no idea… these questions I guess will be answered in time.
Do you struggle with anything I have mentioned today? Eating? Body Disorders? Lets have a conversation. 🙂 I know that you aren’t alone- I’m here right in it with you and if its interrupting your life- there is help. Let me know what you think. Thanks for listening.
*** DISCLAIMER- I am not beating myself up too much about consuming sugar ! I love myself, and I am not about to start throwing up my food. This is strictly just a confession and the thoughts that go around in my mind from time to time.